Maggot (part V)

i'm tending to drift these days, like a spore trapped in the wind, going nowhere in paticular. Don't get much done but drifting. Days become a smudge of colour passing around me in a stop-motion frenzy of activity and inactivity. Lingering in a house, watching and smoking and talking. How long have I been here?

Sometimes I have to step back and take stock. I panic, think I've lost my direction, that I'm just falling, falling, out into the universe, with nothing to stop me, and it takes me a couple of days to steady myself. I used to have that dream alot as a kid. Falling through oblivion.

I am sat in the job centre. I have this exisitential terror when it comes to the job centre. Beurocrats sit behind an armour of desks whilst the behomoth processes you. They keep a woman in a box reading numbers. Sometimes I think I can hear her crying.

I have this mental block when it comes to beurocracy, can't help but see it as this big hidden machine all steam and cogs turning, never stopping, whirring away in the background, and when someone gets their hand caught in it they just get pulled in and their bones and organs mashed and their skull collapsed and their light extinguised, but it don't care. No Feeling. No thinking. Gotta keep on with those macinations.

Of course, saying that, the people are terribly nice.

Sometimes you forget the human connection, that even inside the biggest, cruelest machine, there are people, real people, sat at the controls. They may of had their humanity sapped from them but it's just waiting for an opportunity to come out. Of course, those upstairs in the head processing room could make their machines run more efficiantly, but reconditioning is expensive, and society already does a good general purpose mind job on them anyway. If a little humanity survives then, as long as they do it on their own time, there's no reason they shouldn't get to express it.

I'm stood on a bus stop screaming 'asshole!' to a passing bus at the top of my lungs.

10 minutes later another one comes along and condscends to stop.
"Hey man, how come that last bus didn't stop?"
"Running late."
In an effort to more please the people of Cardiff, Cardiff Bus have increased their frequency and refined the schedule. They have also started a bonus scheme for remaining adherent to said schedule. Sometimes, when a bus is really running behind, it will skip over a couple stops until it has made it up, leaving whoever is stood waiting on those stops bemused and angry. This does not please the people of Cardiff.

I woke up in panic this morning. When this feeling hits I just wanna bury myself in a deep hole and wait for the whole of time and humanity to pass over me. I think my dreams we're kinda weird. I spent the whole of the weekend stoned or sleeping, which is no big deal because I do that all the time. I worry about doing that. Feel like i'm letting it all slip by me in a stoned haze. Worry that one day I'm gonna open my eyes and it's gonna be like *BAM* "Sorry sir, didn't anyone tell you? Your time has run out."

Run out for what?

Must of been very weird dreams.